still here (and there, and everywhere) {12/12/18}

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to pee, and then I was too hungry to go back to sleep. Before I knew it, my brain was up and running through all the things. Christmas gifts I need to wrap and ship. Food I need to buy and meals I need to cook. Laundry I need to put away. Emails I need to respond to. Somewhere between playdates I may or may not have scheduled and the grocery list I forgot to write, I realized that I owe you guys an update.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I posted. But then again, I can. When you live with two tiny humans, time works like a shattered hourglass. Sand spills out everywhere, and before you know it, months have gone by. It’s quite inconvenient, and it’s part of the reason I haven’t posted much since my daughter was born. But it isn’t the whole reason. The whole reason is this: postpartum depression hit me HARD. And it was unexpected, which sounds stupid to say, because, you know, I had pre-partum depression for like 20 years. But I was on medication, and I didn’t have PPD after my first, so I figured I was…I don’t know, immune?

Like I said. Dumb.

Anyway, this last year has been one of the most difficult of my life. I tried all the things I was supposed to: prioritizing sleep (ha!), exercise, meditation, increased medication. Nothing seemed to work. Things finally started to improve after I stopped breastfeeding (never underestimate the impact of hormones).

I still feel a little fragile, and stunned. Like a bird who’s just flown into a window.

But I wanted you guys to know that even though I haven’t been here, I’m still here. Showing up in my brick and mortar life, wiping butts and watching cartoons, coloring and playdough-ing and brushing my teeth on the regular (which, trust me, is a huge improvement). I started a new chapter of Dance Dance Party Party. I’m working on an anthology about parenting and mental health. I’ve written a few picture book manuscripts. I’m looking into new opportunities for advocacy. I’m chipping away at another memoir.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know if I’m “better.” What I know is that right now, today, I’m covered in sand, and grateful for every minute/month of it.